today in my theater class, performance of the human body, we had a discussion about tattoos. there were three pro-tattoo and three anti-tattoo volunteers from the class to talk about their opinions.
i wish i went up to speak my own opinion, because both sides of the argument irritated me.
the pro-tattoo people were talking about how their tattoos are symbols of their faith, or have very personal meaning to them. it was discussed that most tattoos are in memoriam of something or someone. even the pro-tattoo side said never ever get a tattoo on a whim.
i have a tattoo, and i got it on a whim.
my tattoo is an ampersand symbol just below my neck on my spine. it’s a reference to a jason mraz song, based on a lyric i really like, and he’s my favorite artist. but it doesn’t represent someone who died, or my religion, or any kind of spiritual thing.
now don’t get me wrong, my tattoo wasn’t some idiot drunken decision, i did deliberate over it for a few months, but it’s not like it was something i had been wanting to do for years. i got it in a place that can be visible sometimes, but not always. it’s not like i wasn’t thinking ahead to my possible future career and whether it would jeopardize it. i made sure it was easy to hide.
but yeah, i got it for the aesthetics mostly. i like ampersands. i think they’re cool.
and i know it shouldn’t bother me when people ask me about it, especially because i got it in a place that’s often showing, and i like it to be seen. and i’d have no problem telling people why i did it if people wouldn’t judge me about it.
usually when people ask, i try to make it seem like it has more meaning than it really does.
if i told everyone who asked why i got my tattoo that i got it simply because i think it looks cool, they’d certainly judge me. and that’s not their fault, it’s society’s fault.
modern society puts less stigma on tattoos than ever before, but the negative stigma is definitely still there. tattoos are a little more accepted now than they were in the past, but it seems you only are accepted or get respect for a tattoo that has very strong personal meaning.
i once asked a friend what his tattoo meant, and he told me it was symbolic in commemoration of his mom who had passed away. of course i have a lot of respect for that. but hearing that made me feel awkward and embarrassed that my own tattoo doesn’t have significant meaning like that.
and it shouldn’t. my body is my own and only mine, and i should be able to express myself with it however i want to without being or feeling stigmatized.
so, yes, i got my tattoo on a whim. do i regret it? nope. should i? maybe. will i one day? who knows. but whether i still like ampersands in 40 years or not, it will always be a small symbol of how i tried to express my individuality and (self-perceived) independence one impulsive day when i was only 18.
and yeah, i’m planning on getting more. :)
my tumblr has gotten me into trouble many times over the years. but although life would be easier for me had i not written all the things i’ve written, i don’t regret it. since january 2010, tumblr has been a place to express and formulate my thoughts, private or not. and yeah, i’ve probably said things that would’ve been better left unsaid, or not posted on the internet, but you know, sometimes all i can do to make myself feel a little better is express myself in written word. sorry. it’s therapeutic.
so as i lay in my bed lonely, sad, depressed for no reason, feeling unwanted and about to cry, i didn’t understand why i felt this way. there were no coherent thoughts in my head; all i felt was this negative and down emotion that i couldn’t find a reason for. i hadn’t talked to anyone for awhile or received a text all day. i felt like no one was thinking of me.
and then i checked my phone, and sure enough, there was a new snapchat. from my FWB from back at school, the guy who i had made somewhat of an effort to talk to over break, the guy who had shown no effort to keep in contact with me for the last two weeks, the guy who i, admittedly, might have a bit of feelings for. (side note, if you get attached easily like i do, DON’T TRY TO HAVE A FWB. that shit never works.) but anyways, he was drunk and horny and at a party, and, apparently, thinking of me. (unless he had sent that snapchat to multiple people, in which case, fuck him.) and i couldn’t decide if this made me feel better or worse.
it did help me to formulate my thoughts a little. it made me realize i felt so down because i felt like no one wanted me. and i guess in that way, it did make me feel a little better. because at least he wanted me, and was thinking of me. but in that moment i also realized that that’s not really what i want. i don’t just want to be wanted, i don’t just want to be the object of someone’s lust. it does, admittedly, make me feel a little better, but ultimately, it leaves me feeling so empty.
i want to be pursued. i want someone to want me, not just sexually, but to want me for me. to want me to like them. i’m tired of being the pursuer. i’m tired of being that clingy girl that will annoy you until you give me your attention. i’m tired of being that girl who will throw myself at you in exchange for the littlest bit of your time.
in my last relationship, the pursuit was mutual. we started out as friends and then we liked each other, equally, mutually, and it built from that. and it was the same in my relationship before that: it was mutual, or if anything, i always liked him more than he liked me. and there’s nothing wrong with that of course, but i want something different. i want to be the object of someone’s pursuit for once.
i’m not saying i’ve never been liked.. one of my very best friends has admitted to liking me on and off since junior year. but the thing is, he never made an effort to get me. he just TOLD me. he admitted to me he liked me, in a way that’s almost sad and pathetic, as if he never had hope. but he never bothered to try. as if there was no chance from the beginning, so why bother. like, is that it? you’re going to make zero effort for me and just give up before starting?
that’s how it’s always been: either feelings start out for each other mutually, they like me pathetically without trying, or they straight up just do not like me i guess.
where. is. the. chivalry? like am i intimidating or something? why doesn’t anyone just do something. i can’t think of a time where someone made an effort to sweep me off my feet. or not even that, i don’t ask for much. i just want to be… pursued. i want someone to make an effort for me. believe me, i will so easily fall for someone who actually bothered to pursue me. it’s worth a try?
i guess what i’m trying to say with all this is that i’m tired of wearing the pants, making the moves, chasing the guy. i want mysterious and chivalrous and charming. i want someone to say they saw me and immediately knew i was different and worth making an effort for. is that so much to ask?
but then again i don’t even want a boyfriend in my life right now. so i don’t even know what i really want. but i don’t know how else to explain these sad emotions.
but like really, the thing is, you can’t really know my life from solely my twitter account. most of my tweets are jokes, complaints, little thoughts on my mind, or quotes from other people. I don’t often post on tumblr or facebook either. so really the only glimpse you have into my life is my twitter, and it’s impossible to see what i’ve really been up to in the last month through that. the only people who really know what’s going on in my life are the people that are in it everyday. my floormates. and even then, not everyone knows. you’re so quick to judge and assume things. i mean it doesn’t really phase me because you’re just making wrong assumptions and your harsh words can’t hurt me cause i know they’re not true, but it’s still a little irksome that you have to get your words out onto the internet where anyone could see. i guess i don’t really care who sees that, but if your motive for writing out long posts was really just to get it out of your mind and express your thoughts into words, wouldn’t it be just as effective to handwrite on paper or type up a word draft or post to a private passworded blog? it just sounds a lot like a cry for attention with the underlying desire to make me look bad. it’s whatever though. i read your long post with my roommate and laughed at your use of certain phrases and at just how wrong you are about me. i think it’s comical and i scoff in pity at your wrong assumptions.
things on my mind:
- really should NOT have drank a monster so late in the day, especially since i never drink energy drinks. didn’t help me study, all it did was make me want to run around and sing and scream. and now it’s 330 am and i’m wide awake.
- its finals week.
- my finals start wednesday. have i studied? barely. am i fucked? yeah pretty much
- my birthday is also wednesday. but i have a final that day and two the day after so everything sucks.
- there will be an upside to my bday though ;)
- T minus 2 days til nipple piercings. unless i chicken out. im 80% positive i want them but now i’m scared my nipples will hurt forever or i’ll faint or cry or something
- why didn’t i study today i said i would damn it
- really wish i could sleep. have to be up all day with no naps tomorrow studying everything #hashtagkillme
- jessica can’t sleep either. we’re dumb
- going home friday. i do like it here better than home but i need a break from school and everything here i just want hot chocolate made for me and to be taken care of and fed ugh college is so hard
- why do our christmas lights only occasionally work
- i need to clean my room so badly. and pack. how am i going to fit all my clothes and things in my tiny car
- dyeing my hair red over break. will it even look good on me? probs not
- I MISS HANDELS ICE CREAM UGH
- am i going to relapse into having a heart or feelings when i’m back home without my wonderful santa barbara atmosphere and friends to distract me or have i really lost all feelings? i feel strangely fine and detached
- sorry if my typing this and bright screen are keeping you up jessica #i’mashittyroommate
- i have to pee
- why are there always shit streaks on the side of our toilet ugh is someones butthole crooked or something
- CAN I JUST BE SLEEPY OR SOMETHING
- i should be spending my awake time studying but i know if i try to study i’ll just suck
- i don’t feel 19 yet. why am i older than everyone
- infinity scarves look good when worn alone, literally alone with nothing else on
- what is this mysterious tumblr post you speak of going to say
- i just want to dress up all pretty in a fancy dress and do my hair and wear lipstick and high heeled boots and be pretty but i have no where to go dressed as so #foreverabum
- i hated anyone who used hashtags before coming to college and now i use them on the daily #sorrynotsorry
- next quarter i want to take the bus more and actually walk around campus and feel like a real college student
- is my gpa this quarter going to be high enough to keep me in the honors program? probably not. -sigh- #freshmanfallquarterproblems
- if i live in the loop next year with a group of 5 or 6 of my floormates, everything will be right in the world. oh and we’re getting a kitten.
- “all clean for wednesday” and “i told her we couldn’t go home til thursday” ugh the things i find cute and thoughtful in college. my heart flutters. #suchchivalry #ohtheirony
- i miss cats
- okay i’m going to try to sleep again
- goodnight tumblr
- fuck sleep
i mean do what you gotta do to be healthier and if that includes assuming the worst and coming to false conclusions and ranting it out on tumblr is what you need to be healthy so be it. i don’t want to be that girl that argues with your rants when i know you’re just ranting it off your mind and getting ahead of yourself. but you are jumping to conclusions here dude. mind confirming with me that what you assumed is true or not before letting it destroy you and ranting about it to all your followers?
you’re wrong, by the way. but if thinking that i’m over you in two days helps you get over me, i’ll let it be.
First of all I’m sorry I’m writing this here. I didn’t bring my paper or pens home with me cause I hadn’t anticipated writing anything this weekend. Actually, I hadn’t anticipated much at all.
I’m so sorry that things turned out the way they did. I never meant to break your heart. I never even saw us ending. Even you know that I had marriage in mind as a possibility because I would get upset when you said you didn’t look at us like we were married.
I thought we could do the distance. I really did. I’ve had full faith in us since the start but just lately, I’d been rethinking.
Don’t get me wrong. I love you. I still love you. And I probably will always care about you. I love being so close to you and us being a part of each other’s families. I love your parents, your cats, your grandparents, and even your brother. I love that you’re so close with my dad and we all went on a family vacation together. You’ve given me the best year of my life, and we’ve had a lot of fun. But I just feel like it’s better for both of our mental healths to move on.
I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about the things you said. the whole “i don’t know if i can take 6 more years of this” and just how uncomfortable and mentally unstable you get when i tell you about my new life in santa barbara. maybe we just have different ideals..
i think this is for the best. you said over the last 1 1/2 months since i moved out, you’ve had these uncomfortable feelings building up where you’re not okay with lots of the things i do and they eventually led to a nervous breakdown… I don’t want to do that to you anymore. Plus, when you don’t want to talk about the things I’m doing, I find it hard to keep in touch or stay connected with you cause I can’t say things. Like, if I’m running around with my floormates in stupid costumes, you’d think I was looking for attention and wouldn’t like it. So that’s a good hour at least that I can’t talk to you about what’s going on with my life because you don’t like it. Or if I drink with my friends and go out. Or if I’m hanging out with my guy floormates. It’s this vicious cycle, because I don’t talk to you so that things don’t get worse, but the fact alone that i’m not talking to you is making things worse anyways. It’s a situation that just purely sucks and I don’t know how else to describe it. We’ve grown apart.
We had an excellent year, we really did. You’re my best friend and I’m so comfortable around you and it’s so weird thinking that our dynamics won’t be the same after this. But I feel like staying together would just be dragging on and trying to force what used to work to continue to work. I think you and I just need to accept that it’s been phenomenal, and leave it at that. I think if we dragged it out we would end up fighting or making each other angry somehow and possibly end badly and i’d much rather have it this way than that because I can’t lose you as a friend as well, I just can’t. You’re too much to me.
Ugh, the thing with breakups, is that before it happens, all you can think about is the bad things and you dwell on them and they overshadow all your thoughts. But as soon as it’s out there, and it’s all said and done, it’s like those bad things and reasons to break up didn’t exist in the first place. Forgotten. And all the good thoughts and good feelings and good memories come rushing back and all you want to do is take back what you said but it’s too late and you know you’ve got to stick with your decision.
That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I thought about potential scenarios and what I might say all week but I felt nothing. I hadn’t thought about how my words would make either of us feel. I’ve wanted to cry all week but I couldn’t get any tears out. I think it was a defense mechanism. It kind of scared me how little I’ve felt this week. I was like a walking zombie. My conscious mind had gone over the words and situations hundreds of times but never set emotions to them. I didn’t realize it would hurt me so much. And never in a million years would I have thought it would hurt you so much. I hate inflicting emotional pain on others, especially those I love, and I can’t stand that I did that to you. If I knew how hurt you’d be, if I could take it back I would, but it’s too late and I have to force myself to remember why I came to this decision in the first place.
It’s for the better babe. It’s better we end this way instead of some messy break up later. I feel like those were my two options because it was inevitable that we wouldn’t make it. Neither of us are strong enough to handle distance. I had argued that, with distance, we’re still entirely here for each other, just not physically.. but is that even true? We lead different lives now and the only way to keep each other in touch is by text where many texts can be easily ignored or misunderstood. Have you felt connected lately? I haven’t felt the connection we used to have. And though it pains me so much that i had to do it, I felt like breaking up was necessary for both of our well-beings.
You’ll be okay. You don’t need me. And if you do, you can still come talk to me. I refuse to lose you completely. We can’t just go from everything to nothing. Please don’t hesitate to talk to me about anything. I’m still the same Leah, the same Babe. This isn’t goodbye.
Thank you so much for giving me the best year of my life, and I’m so sorry it has to be this way. I love you.
Is that a real tattoo? Why get an & sign?
yeah it’s real! i got it today on an impulse though i’ve been thinking about it for awhile now.
well first of all, i think we can agree that the ampersand is the coolest looking symbol on the keyboard. haha but that’s not why i got it. the idea came to me awhile back while listening to a jason mraz song actually. Who’s Thinking About You Now has a line in it that says “our two hands linked together with an ampersand” and that line was stuck in my head for days. I got to thinking about it, and i thought, i really like the word “and.” it’s so simple and so commonly used, but it’s also powerful and links together words, sentences, ideas, and, apparently, people, hands. it’s the single and simplest connective word that associates two things together. it represents connectivity and, you know, like, not singularity or aloneness.
and again i think it looks cool haha. i mean my blog title has always been &leah; cause it’s like the html thing you know? like &20; is html for a space and & is actually html for an ampersand haha. you know. nerd shit.